Friday, June 7, 2013


Just a short thought.

I like to play around with the idea of gods and theology. So I was thinking of this story where creation was essentially an act of conception- that is, thinking something up. So the being God would have created everything by thinking it up. And I was thinking about how stars are alive (I think of everything as alive), and how they struggle against the ending.

And then I thought about what if Entropy wasn't real, and instead change was the constant. If Entropy wasn't real, and instead the constant was change, then Inertia wouldn't be a force but a measurement, so that if we measured the rate by which Inertia was degraded by Entropy, we would be able to find the constant of change, or in other words the rate at which the universe was conceived. In other words, things change because the universe is still being created, and so Entropy isn't a measurement of things breaking down but instead a measurement of things being created through change. So once everything is created, Entropy will cease to exist because the process of creation, which is essential change, will cease.

That's probably pretty garbled.

But then I thought well, what if stars can conceive of things just like the being God conceived of the entire universe, and what if our sun conceived of identity. And our sun conceived of creatures that had identities, and those identities were us, and identity caused us to realize that we were different from each other and that we were separate from the universe. In essence, our identities told us that we too were universes, that we had all of eternity inside of us because we could conceive of the difference between ourselves and everything else. However, that difference that we could perceive caused us to feel empty and small and alone, because by our very individuality we are separate from the unity of the cosmos.

So basically, individuality is the experience of disconnection. It is the realization that we are not the universe and that the universe is not ours. And when we realize that, we come to an absolute knowledge of how alone we are. That is the essence of the human experience, being alone.

The other day I was reading a blog post (I don't remember which) about how even in happy marriages their are moments of intense loneliness, of feeling that one is not understood, and I thought, "huh". I thought, "don't relationships make us less lonely?" It was something I hadn't thought of before, or realized, because of course as soon as I thought of it I remembered all of the moments I had had of being surrounded by people I loved and who loved me and still being alone.

And this disconnection from things is what drives us to do things. Our singularity, our identity, our aloneness is what causes us to define ourselves by sex and race and language and nationality, because we are trying to figure out what makes us different from others. Identity is after all, precious to us.

Our aloneness is what makes us obsess about ownership of things. It's a hole inside of us that we are continually trying to feel with action and objects and relationships and above all, it's a hole we want to fill with meaning. The great question of existence is "Why?" Why do I exist? What is my purpose?

And our aloneness is what makes us reach to the stars, which is after all the whole reason we were gifted with identity in the first place. Our loneliness is what makes us travel far into distant places, it's what gives us our drive and ambition, and it's what makes us desire the unattainable. The thing is, it's not unattainable for us as a species. We may still reach the stars in a couple hundred years. Considering the length of time humans have existed on this planet, that's quite an accomplishment.

And you know, we're not really that small, we're just limited. We could be as large as stars, and we would still be tiny compared to the universe. I am of the opinion that the universe is infinite. I take this to be a mathematical fact: infinity could not exist, let only be conceived of, in a finite universe.

Anyways, because we are limited, we believe we are small, and in the physical universe we are. But inside our brains, inside our hearts and minds, we can encompass the universe. We can conceive of infinity. We may not be able to comprehend it, but we can conceive of it.

So, conception comes wrapped in entropy, death is the indicator of life, and loneliness is the mark that we are not the only beings in existence; that we are never alone.

While I was thinking all of these things, of course I lost my keys and wallet and was therefore late for work.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Old and New

It's been a long time since I blogged regularly, but I want to start up again. I wanted this blog to contain only uplifting messages that would strengthen others, so I've tried to rely on the Spirit to do so. However, I fear that in so doing I've created a false image of myself, or made myself out to be more righteous than I actually am.

Since when I was writing regularly, I've had relationships. I've had an actual, wonderful boyfriend. I've had sex. I'm currently talking to my new bishop (as I've talked with previous ones), and my previous Stake President recommended I have a bishops counsel. We're having issues because even though I want to repent of having premarital sex, I can't repent of being gay and I can't repent of wanting a husband. Apparently that means I'm not truly repentant when it comes to the other.

I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe the Book of Mormon is true, and that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I love my Heavenly Father, my family, and the Plan of Salvation. I still strive to keep the Spirit in my life, although I am by no means perfect and I struggle. But my desires remain to choose the right.

I will no longer wait for inspiration to come before writing in this blog, which probably means that my posts will be less likely to uplift than previous entries. But I feel it is important to continue. I've recently met more and more gay Mormons who accept their sexuality and strive to be true to their religion, just like me. We are a community, and that means that we can lean on each other for help and support. I do not have to be a perfect, unshakable person. I can also ask for help, and sometimes that will come out in this blog.

But I want to continue in my faith, in hope and honesty. I don't like the word "authentic" because it sometimes sounds like an excuse to me, but I hope to live with integrity, which to me includes being open about who I am and what I stand for. I am a gay member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Contrary to popular opinion, I exist. I am a son of God, and He loves me just as much as He loves his straight children.