Sunday, June 11, 2017

Night Mom

So it's been ages since I last posted... I can't be bothered to check how long.

When I first started blogging I did it because I saw lots of other gay mormons blogging, because it helped me to come out, and because it seemed like the thing to do. I stopped, gradually, probably out of laziness. Maybe I just realized I didn't have any readers. Maybe it stopped be therapeutic for me.

I sometimes think about the wonderful advice I could give other people. I even tell people: I give great advice, I just wished I followed it. I think that's true.

I sometimes think I'm a bit big-headed, or pretentious. Actually I know it. I look at some of the things I've written before, and I think, wow, I really thought I knew what I was talking about.

I think the best blogs come from the heart. Maybe that's romantic of me, to think that people actually have to mean what they say for it to carry any weight. I think that's part of why my blog was never that great - I've always tried to give other people advice without checking on how I'm doing myself.

So I guess this is my try at honesty. I'm checking in after a long-term hiatus because I'm lonely.

I don't know if I can stress how strong that emotion is. I am a lonely failure. I'm not pretty or smart or talented, though sometimes I dream of being those things. I guess I think those are the things that make people like you, and that if I had those things maybe I could get people to like me.

Growing up I'd wonder what it was that made me unlikeable. I thought for a long time that it was being gay. Well, I've come out, and I'm still unlikeable.

I don't mean I automatically alienate everyone I meet. I think I'm pretty good at first impressions, actually. But I can't seem to make any meaningful relationships last, except for family relationships. But I don't know how much of that I can put down to my own efforts, and how much I can put down to how awesome my family is.

I'm living with them right now, and selfishly, all I can think about is how they will all be gone and I'll be all alone. My sisters will get married and move away. My parents are old, and they will need to rely on me some day, but right now I have to rely on them. I'm living in my parent's basement as a 32 year old man.

Whoever tells you that teaching is an easy job clearly has no idea what being a teacher entails. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Which is crazy because I put in long hours and my mom thinks her kids can work most people under the ground. Except I know that's not true because Haslam could work me under the ground any day of the week, and most teachers I know accomplish 4-5 times more than I do in half the time.

This is so spastic. But that's okay, because I don't have readers, and nobody cares.