Judgment

Today in sacrament I arrived a couple minutes before the meeting started to find that we needed a ward chorister. My bishop anxiously gestured me to the front, I had a whispered conversation with the pianist, and then we started. Leading the music for that first song, I felt completely lost. All I could do was grin at the congregation, trying to correct myself constantly so I could stay on time with the organ. One member was kind enough to show me how to lead from the back. By watching him, I was able to calm my frantic movements and figure out what I was supposed to be doing.

I have another friend who has told me that he feels like life is unfair, because you think you are taking one test, and half-way through it you are given a new blank sheet of paper and told to get started on a completely different test. And you don't even know what the second test is about. In such situations, it's nice to have someone from the back who shows you quietly what to do. It's important to smile even when you feel like you are failing miserably. And, halfway through the test, you might find your rhythm, and discover you knew the answers all along.

Today in church we talked about two issues that always seem to be paired in peoples minds: Homosexuality, and sustaining your leaders. This is a very important issue for me and others in my situation. It often leads to very uncomfortable, often emotionally turbulent moments where we sit, wondering if we should speak, feeling isolated.

How do I deal with it? It's difficult sometimes. If anyone reads this, I'd like to know what you think before saying anything more.

Pretentious

Today I got up and bore my testimony in church. That might not sound like a big deal to some of you, but I am so grateful that I am still allowed to bear my testimony. I know not everyone gets that opportunity. I'm so grateful for the gospel in my life. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I know that Jesus Christ is the Redeemer of the world, the Only Begotten of our Heavenly Father, and my personal Savior.

I realize that some might think it pretentious or foolish to believe these things or to say that I know they are true. Personal beliefs are often touchy subjects, have led to wars, and still lead to vicious rhetoric and perfidious insult. I realize that people much smarter and wiser than I believe I am wrong, on both sides. I understand if you call my faith "willing blindness", if you believe that their is no hope of a different understanding, if you think you know enough. I know that their is very persuasive, even logical evidence against my beliefs.

But I felt the Holy Ghost today. I wish everyone could feel the Spirit the way I felt.