Thursday, June 6, 2013

Old and New

It's been a long time since I blogged regularly, but I want to start up again. I wanted this blog to contain only uplifting messages that would strengthen others, so I've tried to rely on the Spirit to do so. However, I fear that in so doing I've created a false image of myself, or made myself out to be more righteous than I actually am.

Since when I was writing regularly, I've had relationships. I've had an actual, wonderful boyfriend. I've had sex. I'm currently talking to my new bishop (as I've talked with previous ones), and my previous Stake President recommended I have a bishops counsel. We're having issues because even though I want to repent of having premarital sex, I can't repent of being gay and I can't repent of wanting a husband. Apparently that means I'm not truly repentant when it comes to the other.

I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe the Book of Mormon is true, and that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I love my Heavenly Father, my family, and the Plan of Salvation. I still strive to keep the Spirit in my life, although I am by no means perfect and I struggle. But my desires remain to choose the right.

I will no longer wait for inspiration to come before writing in this blog, which probably means that my posts will be less likely to uplift than previous entries. But I feel it is important to continue. I've recently met more and more gay Mormons who accept their sexuality and strive to be true to their religion, just like me. We are a community, and that means that we can lean on each other for help and support. I do not have to be a perfect, unshakable person. I can also ask for help, and sometimes that will come out in this blog.

But I want to continue in my faith, in hope and honesty. I don't like the word "authentic" because it sometimes sounds like an excuse to me, but I hope to live with integrity, which to me includes being open about who I am and what I stand for. I am a gay member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Contrary to popular opinion, I exist. I am a son of God, and He loves me just as much as He loves his straight children.

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